50 Shades of Dirty part Deux

So I was standing there, last night, letting the warm water spill onto my body, fingertips wiggling away at my scalp to work it into a semi-lather (I do use low sulfates so not much sudsing goes on.) and it dawned on me; it took me almost 26 and a half  years to figure out HOW to properly wash my goddamned hair.

I almost got shampoo in my eyes.

Idiot.

Anyhow, I couldn't believe it. Twenty six and a half years to get this shit right? WHY!?

Because mother didn't know how to properly wash hair (Don't get me wrong, but mom's so OG she shampoos and conditions her hair EVERY day. Dad's even more hard core... mom has to hide the soap bars because he'll wash his hair with Irish Spring!). She couldn't really teach me and I learned most of what I knew from Herbal Essences commercials and Psycho(s) movies (Haven't you noticed how in 99% of horror movies the damsel in distress winds up in the shower and is washing her hair when some random haunt happens? Ever since Psycho, I swear...)

I'd glob the shampoo, slap into my scalp, scoop up the length and SCRUNCH. I'd also dig my nails into my scalp to 'get rid of the dandruff'.

Eventually I got smart and realized that the shampoo was drying the fuck out of my scalp, hence the scruffies.  So went on a no sulfate/low sulfate diet. That did wonders for the condition of my scalp. I got a talking to by a hair dresser two years ago and she told me I needed to condition more. So there was another lesson.

I watched a few youtube videos on styling and I came across this video from the beautiful Torrin :

This video covers the gist of what I do. But, it wasn't until I saw THIS video :

that it really sank home. 

Compared to the child's hair, mine is very, very, perhaps evenly pin-straight. But I do the same thing. I stick my fingers on the underside and gently rub. I give myself a good massage at the crown of the head, then slip my fingers to the area along the nape of my neck and continue. I then rinse off a bit, squish it along the length and rinse off before adding my glops of conditioner. 

Because I use TONS of conditioner. I pre condition, shampoo, then condition one last time. 

Man, I wish I had stumbled across these two videos a lot sooner. I love the idea of loose braids to keep the hair from tangling, especially when the child is old enough to do this herself. Its like... training wheels on a bike. 

Ah. Youtube. I adore your pain in the butt availability. 

Search & Destroy, among other things

I just trimmed my hair a few days ago (right when the moon was fullest, yay!) and I was an idiot. I know how to self trim, using Feye's Self Trim method and the first two times it was *amazing* and perfect. This time? Not so much... because, once again, I was an idiot.

One of the ways to control the depthness of one's U-shaped hemline is by the angle upon which one looks when pulling down the bands; I always look up but this time, since I was sitting down and looking down, I wound up with a much deeper U than I wanted.

AND I idiotically tried saving it therefore cutting off more than I anticipated.

I'm trying to look on the brighter side, though. That means I have less growth to trim in the long run (I am growing out layers) and most of the damage was taken care of. So. There. Positivity is thine middle name.

Anyhow, I decided to freshen up the layers a wee-bit since, well, those haven't been trimmed since I got them in the first place, over a year ago and its where most of the damage is. I figured I might as well make a quick 'tutorial' or how to on the way I do this.  ps: this is also the way I S&D for split ends at the hemline anyway. -shrug-

50 Shades of Dirt Part 1

All hair blogs talk about how to brush, comb, style and maintain long hair. We go over the ins and outs of products and accessories to try/avoid. Every now and then a blogger will cover the "Dos and Don'ts" of washing one's hair and NONE cover about how to take care of a Long hair's best friend: the vacuum.

I've heard statements from longhairs on how vacuums don't last unless said vacuum costs about the same as a small pony. Others swear by the superawesome Dyson (Hey, even shorthairs happen to like this vacuum, and I drool over it, but damn it I can't afford something that pricey. So until I can lay the golden turd, I make do with what I have.) blah blah blah...

No.

You don't need some mega-super-amazing-fantastically-fabulous-state of the art-vacuum. You just need to know how to maintain it!

Now, I have one of these:

and while I *love* and hate the damned thing, it has lasted me well over four years. I've heard of people replacing their $100+ machines every YEAR. Short AND long hair alike! Must be nice. -.-

Most vacuums are different and you'll have to take a look at your own personal machine's manual but the main concept is still the same.

A lot of the times, hoses will clog, and the brush bar at the bottom becomes jammed with hair. Lots of it. Disgusting amounts of it. Most people don't understand what's wrong with the machine and keep using it until the belt burns out (and in some cases, the motor).  Often most people will check the main hose and leave it at that.

What I do, is start from the bottom. -- Now, unplug the damned thing first before you electrocute yourself, gentle reader. Unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing.-- Lay the vacuum on the floor so you can see the bottom. With a phillips screw, remove all the screws holding the guard in place (Now, the Mega Awesome Dyson has a button that spits it out. JEALOUS!).

"Please be gentle with me!" Bessie exclaimed. "It has been such a long time since last you touched me."
"Aren't I always?" Raul purred, pulling at her bindings.

Remove the guard and set it aside with all the little screws in a place neither husband, child nor cat can get it.

"Oh, Raul. I feel so...exposed! Oh!"

Pull out the bar. Put the belt aside along with the screws and guard.

"Bessie, my love, I shan't neglect you thus. " Raul murmured.

With a pair of scissors, or an exacto knife, cut off the wads of hair.

And in a few short strokes from Raul, Bessie felt her release explode without warning.

Bessie's pent up urges were to be met 'lest both their loins homes caught fire.

[Wait, what am I talking about again?]

"Oh. Raul! You're AMAZING!" Bessie whimpered.

Replace the belt, bar and guard. Viola!

Now sometimes, our beloved partners would have sucked up something they shouldn't have and there is a clog somewhere.

Find out where the main hose is attached, unhook it. While standing, hold the hose so it hangs down in a straight line, unbent anywhere. Often most, a large marble, ben wa ball or a giant toe nail clipper will be able to push the clog out without problems. Sometimes, you just have to use a broom handle.


Before you pull out the big guns to clear the clog, try to see where the clog is first. Most hoses are somewhat transparent (yes, even the black ones) and a bit of light can illuminate where the clog is. Its like candling an egg. Like this:

Hot Chicks Galore!

You can usually see the main clog this way. If you see a bobby pin in there, have someone help you by stretching out the hose until its less accordion looking. This prevents the sharp/pointy thing from catching and puncturing the hose. Toss in the heavy item of choice (ben wa balls are really good for this, fyi!)

Check your filters. If they're not properly secured, the machine wont' suck. 

Sometimes, not very often though, the clog is in the intake hose which is located BEHIND the bar. If this is the case, unscrew the hose from the back of the machine, straighten it out and use a broom handle to push the clog out. 

Put everything back and viola, you're done! 

PS: With my hip long hair I need to do this monthly or else I end up with the gross mess pictured above. I hadn't cleaned up the vacuum since.. oh.. February. :\